Five years ago, I was admitted to the ICU following a hernia repair, complicated by a small bowel perforation, and the development of septic shock with subsequent kidney and heart failure. I spent 5 days in our local ICU and was subsequently transferred to a higher level care hospital because of complications, spending a total of 58 days in hospital. My experience in the ICU Photovoice study has been one of self-discovery and an opportunity of reflection of what was, a life changing moment for myself, and my family and friends. The questions encouraged me to think deeply about what photos would best represent my experiences post ICU and furthered my healing, even 5 years later. The opportunity to share with others, who themselves had taken the same journey, was one of kindred spirits connecting and healing as we shared our lived experiences. It has been a humbling and honorable experience. Story telling of lived experiences is such a valuable learning tool, not only for survivors, but others seeking to find answers. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
What was it like going from hospital back to home?
Fear of the Future
When I set out to capture a photo of a road, I unexpectedly stumbled upon a powerful image. It was a log-covered hill, symbolizing the transition from the safety of the hospital to an unknown future.
The moss-covered log represented the risks and fears associated with leaving that safety net behind. I felt apprehensive about returning home and the lingering fear of relapse. The idea of crossing that log without support and on that slippery moss represented how fearful I was to leave the hospital but it was a crossing I had to make. The difference, however, was that I had other kinds of support from family to help make that transition easier.
Seeing this image evoked memories filled with uncertainty, anticipation, but also fear.
For Abe
Abe, my beloved cat, played a significant role in my recovery.
He provided me with that sense of normalcy and constant unconditional love. Although I longed to see him when I returned home, he had an asthma attack that initially dampened that welcome and he seemed distant with me. That did not last but an hour and he quickly became my constant companion, serving as a source of comfort during times when I felt misunderstood or alone.
While I had some many other important loving and supporting family and friends, Abe’s constant companionship and presence was that extra comfort during my healing journey.
RIP sweet boy, you are missed.
What did you need at home to facilitate your recovery?
Creativity at Home
During my extensive stay in the hospital, my muscle strength deteriorated, and I faced challenges in mobility. As I prepared to return home, I realized that my high bed and sofa would pose difficulties for me. However, my son, who works in construction, came up with a solution. He used large foam bricks to raise the height of the sofa by eight inches, making it easier for me to get in and out of it with my walker.
This adaptation allowed me to spend time in the living room instead of being confined to the bedroom. It was a creative solution that my son devised to facilitate my homecoming and make my recovery more comfortable.
The Support of a Sibling
The photo you see is of my sister’s hands, not mine. These hands were instrumental in my recovery journey.
While I was in the hospital (58 days) my sister provided constant support, assisted with bathing me, turning me, encouraging me when I wanted to give up and being there as my constant companion during the day, as my husband and son both had to work. When she had to leave to return to PEI for a while it was a terrifying experience not having her by my side. She did return again upon my discharge to help me at home for a couple of months. She took care of everything at home, ensuring my husband was looked after and the household chores were taken care of. The burden of not being able to do this myself was heartbreaking for me but I cannot express enough how valuable her helping hands and presence was during my recovery.
Words can never express my gratitude and love for her. She was the glue that kept my family together.
How did the experience affect your mental and emotional health?
Fragile Reflections: Cracked Resilience
I took this photo right after dinner in my house. I decided to have eggs because they were quick and easy to make.
As I cracked the eggs and saw them broken, it struck me as a reflection of how I felt emotionally when I returned from the hospital. I felt shattered and fragile, unable to piece myself back together fully. It was like walking on eggshells, living in fear of falling ill again. Seeing myself in the mirror after weeks of being in the hospital reminded me that I wasn’t the same person I was before.
This photo captures the essence of my initial return home, where I felt broken and unsure if I would ever fully recover.
Feeling Whole
Humpty Dumpty getting back together again, that shows how I feel about my second photo choice.
It is a new version of myself, different but whole. I still sense my vulnerability, like an egg that Could break if not handled with care. Along my journey, there have been cracks, such as the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) I developed. I acknowledge this lifelong vulnerability I may carry, but I also feel whole and grateful.
These experiences have shaped a humbling outlook and a deeper sense of gratitude in my life. Some days, I struggle and forget to practice gratitude, but overall, this image reflects my current state of mental health.
How has this experience shaped your life?
Representing a Journey
This week was a struggle for me in finding a photo that truly represents my journey. So instead, I decided to create a vision board to capture my current state and where I want to go.
It reflects my unbeatable strength as a survivor and warrior, along with a deep sense of humility from my experiences. The board reminds me of the importance of attitude and perspective, seeing progress and embracing the present moment.
Although I couldn’t find a single image, this introspective process speaks to my personal growth and how it has transformed my outlook on life.
What is important for others to understand about life after a critical illness?
Capturing Healing Words
I would like to share an idea with everyone particularly those in the field of nursing. It’s about implementing the practice of journaling in ICUs, specifically for patients and their families.
I believe it’s important to have journals readily available in every ICU, providing a means for family members to document their loved one’s journey and help fill in the gaps of their memory. Journaling can be a powerful tool for emotional processing, finding positivity, and practicing gratitude during critical illness and the recovery process. It could also serve as a valuable resource for medical professionals to better understand the patient’s experiences.
While I acknowledge the limitations and workload constraints, I hope this idea sparks discussion and consideration for the benefit it can bring to both patients and their families.
