In June 2022, while waiting for knee surgery, I suffered a massive saddle pulmonary embolus at home. I was rushed to Vancouver General Hospital and was in the ICU for a week. While in the ICU I developed compartment syndrome in my left forearm due to a ruptured brachial artery from an arterial line which resulted in emergency surgery. My knee surgery was delayed until November 2022. I continue to suffer ongoing health issues related to my critical illness. I participated in the ICU Photovoice sessions approximately 7 months post ICU admission. Photovoice was a very important part of my rehabilitation journey. It offered an opportunity to share my experience with individuals who had also been through similar events. Being able to talk to others about my experience who understood was very therapeutic. As I continue my recovery journey, I am determined to push forward and not let this experience hold me back.
What was it like going from hospital back to home?
On the Outside Looking In
This photo represents how I felt upon returning home from the hospital after a life-altering experience. While my family and surroundings continued with their normal activities, I felt disconnected and misunderstood. One aspect that deeply affected me was a near-death experience, which I struggled to discuss with anyone due to fear of being misunderstood or judged. Feeling isolated, I turned to research and found solace in the Near Death Experience Research Foundation, where I could validate my experience and connect with others who had similar encounters.
Despite being grateful for being alive, I also experienced guilt for not feeling entirely happy as I navigated the lasting effects of my ordeal, further reinforcing my sense of being an outsider seeking understanding and support.
The Tracks of my Tears
Inspired by Smokey Robinson’s song “The Tracks of My Tears,” this photo convey conveys how I felt the need to wear a mask of strength and hide my true emotions upon returning home.
Despite experiencing vulnerability and emotional turmoil, I felt compelled to protect those around me and prioritize their well-being. My family, unaware of the severity of my condition, struggled to cope, and I was preoccupied with their emotions rather than addressing my own. I faced anxiety, panic attacks, and physical pain alone, unable to openly express my struggles. The transition to home was mentally challenging, with numerous medical appointments and treatments, but no medical professionals inquired about my mental well-being.
I sought mental health support independently, highlighting the importance of incorporating emotional care into the overall recovery process.
What did you need at home to facilitate your recovery?
Preparing for the Storm
I am a highly organized individual, and I had everything prepared for my scheduled knee surgery, including a wheelchair.
However, three days prior to the surgery, my unexpected event occurred. I want to emphasize that if I hadn’t been prepared with all the necessary equipment and support in place, it would have been a disastrous situation. My parents were en route to help me with my knee surgery, and without them, I would have had to quickly arrange for home healthcare. The availability ofsupplies and equipment, such as a hospital bed and shower chair, made a significant difference in my ability to transition home smoothly.
I shudder to think how chaotic it would have been if I hadn’t been prepared for the knee surgery.
Niece (Jordyn): My Healing Partner
While my parents were initially present for my knee surgery, my dad had to leave after a couple of weeks, and my mom, dealing with her own PTSD, felt she had to leave as well. This left me in a state of panic, as I wasn’t ready to be alone. Considering hiring home healthcare, I realized that having strangers provide daily tasks wouldn’t offer the emotional support and family care I needed. Instead, I invited my niece, who had experience as a personal care aid, to stay with me.
She became my companion, helping with cooking and encouraging me to engage in activities outside the house, bringing much-needed enthusiasm to my recovery.
How did the experience affect your mental and emotional health?
Facing Uncertainty
This photo represents the uncertainty and anxiety I felt about the future and how things would unfold.
It was taken during a hike called the Crypt Lake Hike in Waterton National Park in 2021. The hike required taking a boat across the lake to reach the trailhead, with only one boat returning at 5:30PM. As my sister and I were hiking, we realized we wouldn’t make it to the lake at our pace, so we made the decision for me to continue alone while my sister went as far as she could. Along the hike, there was a tunnel known for a grizzly bear sighting.
Since I had gone ahead, I faced the uncertainty of what awaited me on the other side of the tunnel similar to the uncertainty I faced in my recovery.
The Art of Noticing
This photo was taken in the parking lot of a grocery store near my house. Despite walking by it countless times, I never really fully noticed it until recently.
It represents the connection between the physical and mental aspects of my well-being. Both are crucial and require attention and improvement. While the physical aspects often receive more attention and support, there is a significant gap when it comes to mental health.
I believe that anyone who has experienced something traumatic or been in the ICU should automatically receive mental health support because true healing and wholeness can only be achieved when both aspects are addressed and integrated.
Fragility in Discharge
This photo of flower frost on a log reminded me of being very fragile and delicate when I was first discharged home from the hospital.
How has this experience shaped your life?
Stitches of Resilience
I am someone who enjoys various creative activities like knitting and sewing.
This hat that I was knitting represents how I feel about my current situation. It symbolizes that I am still in the process of healing and progressing, as I am only seven months away from my event.
Despite facing ongoing challenges and having to undergo knee surgery, I acknowledge that there are still more obstacles ahead, possibly including another major surgery. However, just like this unfinished hat, I will continue working on myself, knowing that one day I will reach a point of completion and resolution.
What is important for others to understand about life after a critical illness?
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
I have visited Waterton National Park multiple times, including before and after a devastating wildfire in 2017. The landscape underwent a remarkable transformation, with dense forests and the visitor center completely destroyed.
The picture I captured showcases the imprints of the fire on the trees, which I found incredibly beautiful and stunning. It symbolizes to me that from tragedy and devastation, there can emerge a sense of beauty and resilience.
Although I am still in the process of finding that perspective in my own journey, I have witnessed how difficult experiences can lead to personal growth, a changed outlook on life, and a deeper appreciation for the things that matter.