Two Sides of a Coin
I chose this photo because it represents the juxtaposition of light and dark I experienced during and after my hospitalization.
I constantly switched between states of extreme joy and sadness, resentment, but also gratitude for my second chance at life. I struggled with dissociation and feeling sensations after my experience. I often felt anger towards the healthcare system and I wished providers had shown me more kindness. Now I strive to stay grounded and present in reality.
Walking Through My Past
I took a picture of a hallway in my university that reminded me of the hospital, which still triggers negative emotions for me two years later.
Familiar sounds and smells can put me in a panic. My hospital stay gave me a worse perception of myself because of the way doctors treated me with little humanity. I struggle to see my own value and wish I could believe that I deserve respect just like everyone else.
Recovery can be lonely, especially since I was always surrounded by students – often emotionally and physically privileged. So, I am grateful for sessions where I can talk with others who have gone through a similar experience.
Hands Holding Hands
This picture shows me holding a sentimental object that I’ve had since childhood: my handprint immortalized in plaster at the age of six.
It was always on my mom’s dresser, and over the years, I would occasionally hold it and cover it with my hand. I took this photo because during my recent stays in the ICU, including the most recent week-long one, I found myself reflecting on my childhood memories. Despite having worked through the challenges of growing up in a dysfunctional family through counseling, I felt transported back to that childlike state of mind, bypassing the messy and difficult in-between years.
It wasn’t necessarily negative or positive, but rather a unique experience with a tinge of nostalgia and a touch of depression.
Embracing Identity in Objects
This little shelf in my kitchen holds sentimental items that reflect different moments in my life.
The piece of wood on the shelf reminds me of my time living in Eugene, Oregon when I was a child, while the canteen represents a memorable trip to Mexico. Other items, like the Good Luck Japanese cat and the little skull, hold personal significance and add a touch of aesthetic appeal. Although I identify as an optimist, I’ve also experienced depression throughout the years, making it challenging to navigate life’s ups and downs. Lastly, the hourglass on the far left symbolizes the importance of embracing purpose and helping things fulfill their intended goals. I turn over the hourglass almost every time I’m in the kitchen, not to time things, but because that’s its only purpose.
Despite its abstract nature, this shelf represents parts of who I am now.
Fragile Reflections: Cracked Resilience
I took this photo right after dinner in my house. I decided to have eggs because they were quick and easy to make.
As I cracked the eggs and saw them broken, it struck me as a reflection of how I felt emotionally when I returned from the hospital. I felt shattered and fragile, unable to piece myself back together fully. It was like walking on eggshells, living in fear of falling ill again. Seeing myself in the mirror after weeks of being in the hospital reminded me that I wasn’t the same person I was before.
This photo captures the essence of my initial return home, where I felt broken and unsure if I would ever fully recover.
Feeling Whole
Humpty Dumpty getting back together again, that shows how I feel about my second photo choice.
It is a new version of myself, different but whole. I still sense my vulnerability, like an egg that Could break if not handled with care. Along my journey, there have been cracks, such as the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) I developed. I acknowledge this lifelong vulnerability I may carry, but I also feel whole and grateful.
These experiences have shaped a humbling outlook and a deeper sense of gratitude in my life. Some days, I struggle and forget to practice gratitude, but overall, this image reflects my current state of mental health.
Facing Uncertainty
This photo represents the uncertainty and anxiety I felt about the future and how things would unfold.
It was taken during a hike called the Crypt Lake Hike in Waterton National Park in 2021. The hike required taking a boat across the lake to reach the trailhead, with only one boat returning at 5:30PM. As my sister and I were hiking, we realized we wouldn’t make it to the lake at our pace, so we made the decision for me to continue alone while my sister went as far as she could. Along the hike, there was a tunnel known for a grizzly bear sighting.
Since I had gone ahead, I faced the uncertainty of what awaited me on the other side of the tunnel similar to the uncertainty I faced in my recovery.
The Art of Noticing
This photo was taken in the parking lot of a grocery store near my house. Despite walking by it countless times, I never really fully noticed it until recently.
It represents the connection between the physical and mental aspects of my well-being. Both are crucial and require attention and improvement. While the physical aspects often receive more attention and support, there is a significant gap when it comes to mental health.
I believe that anyone who has experienced something traumatic or been in the ICU should automatically receive mental health support because true healing and wholeness can only be achieved when both aspects are addressed and integrated.
Fragility in Discharge
This photo of flower frost on a log reminded me of being very fragile and delicate when I was first discharged home from the hospital.
Moving Forward
This picture, taken a year after my septic shock episode, signifies the profound transformation I experienced. It symbolizes my rebirth and the clarity I gained in understanding what truly mattered in my life.
With a renewed sense of purpose, I focused on filling my own cup so that I could help others and take care of my family. It was a pivotal moment where everything became clear, and I embraced my role as a patient partner and volunteered to support others.
Despite the challenging experience, I emerged stronger, enlightened, and committed to moving forward without looking back.
Sunshine on a Cloudy Day
This picture captures a typical day in the mountains, but what stands out is the snowmaking, which is unusual to see during daylight hours. It reminded me of my post-ICU experience and how it reflects my journey.
Growing up, my brother and I used to ski together on this mountain, but he had a severe accident and has since moved nearby. Going up the mountain represents moving forward and leaving the past behind, but sometimes circumstances bring us back down, triggering moments of disbelief or panic.
However, the overall message is that this is just a part of life, and I have the choice to keep moving forward, unaffected by the challenges I’ve faced.