I was in the ICU for arrhythmias and organ failure in 2020. Participating in the ICU Photovoice study validated my emotional recovery process, reducing feelings of isolation by providing community support and giving me the opportunity to express my story.
What was it like going from hospital back to home?
Behind Closed Doors
I took this photo from inside a Sky Train because I felt a sense of disconnect as I thought about my transition and relationships back home.
Despite wanting to pursue my goals after graduating high school, my medical issues held me back and made me feel inhibited. It was tough to talk about my struggles with anyone in my immediate environment, and I felt lonely in my relationships due to this inability to open up.
Being hospitalized created distance and disconnect from who I was before and from others, making the world feel out of reach.
Fallen Light, Rising Resilience, and Embracing Self-Worth
I took an abstract photo of a pedestrian light that was falling out of place.
It reminded me of myself as I felt powerless and weak, but the light was still glowing, and like myself – trying to show it was functional and hopeful.
However, the damage represented my perceived lowered value and that I needed to work harder to prove my competence. Having so many physical signs of poor health on my body was a constant reminder of how I was of less worth compared to others.
What did you need at home to facilitate your recovery?
Rediscovering Healing Beyond Reflection
The abstract photo I took was of the blinds in a library that reminded me of my past struggle of wallowing in the past and in my self-pity.
After returning home from the hospital, I couldn’t stand seeing my own reflection and had to remove all mirrors because seeing my condition influenced self-destructive behaviours. I felt like I lost my sense of self and had to rediscover who I was to adjust to life after hospitalization.
The photo represents how I blocked my own healing by repressing and living in the shadows. I made reckless attempts to regain control of my life and lost sight of what really mattered.
Isolation from Self and Others
This photo is of the student building at my university, which provides resources for therapy, student groups, and student help. I took the picture from the outside because it represents how I was too scared and ashamed to enter and seek help, so I always stayed outside, mere steps away from help.
Initially, I isolated myself to avoid judgment and triggers. But, I still received judgement from myself and those around me. I needed a healthy, kinder environment, as well as therapy, emotional support, and for my family to empathize.
Hospitals may treat physical symptoms, but the lingering emotional scars also need to be considered.
How did the experience affect your mental and emotional health?
Two Sides of a Coin
I chose this photo because it represents the juxtaposition of light and dark I experienced during and after my hospitalization.
I constantly switched between states of extreme joy and sadness, resentment, but also gratitude for my second chance at life. I struggled with dissociation and feeling sensations after my experience. I often felt anger towards the healthcare system and I wished providers had shown me more kindness. Now I strive to stay grounded and present in reality.
Walking Through my Past
I took a picture of a hallway in my university that reminded me of the hospital, which still triggers negative emotions for me two years later.
Familiar sounds and smells can put me in a panic. My hospital stay gave me a worse perception of myself because of the way doctors treated me with little humanity. I struggle to see my own value and wish I could believe that I deserve respect just like everyone else.
Recovery can be lonely, especially since I was always surrounded by students – often emotionally and physically privileged. So, I am grateful for sessions where I can talk with others who have gone through a similar experience.
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How has this experience shaped your life?
Bird’s Eye-View
I recently realized that my worries are quite small when I zoom out and see the greater picture. I got this perspective after taking a photo from the deck of a Sky Train station.
This helped me understand myself from outside my head as I tend to get stuck in my thoughts. Viewing the world from above made me realize that my problems are usually menial and not worth the mental energy.
Post-hospitalization, I no longer place unnecessary significance on small failures in my life and I can now live in the moment without dwelling on minor issues.
What is important for others to understand about life after a critical illness?
A Note on Empathy
This picture of my homework represents how logical, structured and reductionist education and the corporate world is, focusing on physical symptoms with disregard for emotional scarring.
People expect you’ll just bounce back with enough time, and they often struggle to empathize with how much critical illness can affect personal progress and emotional well-being. Empathy, kindness, and understanding are essential to emotional healing. However, it is difficult to empathize when often people’s understanding of the ICU is limited and not personal.
Surviving a life-threatening experience does not guarantee automatic gratitude for being alive, and being told to be happy to be alive is invalidating.
